


To Be Human

by orphan_account



Series: Heronchild Fics [8]
Category: Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy - Cassandra Clare, The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunkenness, Healing, Hurt, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Protectiveness, Suicidal Thoughts, reckless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 12:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11691969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "To be human is to love, even when it gets too much, I'm not ready to give up."James spirals out of control after having his heart broken by Grace Blackthorn. Matthew goes after him, the way that Matthew does.





	To Be Human

**Author's Note:**

> song: to be human by sia

 

James stumbled down the shadowed sidewalk, holding his stomach and feeling miserable. He had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a pistol in the either. The two didn’t mix well together, but that wasn’t his problem. As he passed underneath a yellow streetlight, the bags under his eyes and shards of glass in his hair became visible. He found an empty alley next to a closed drugstore and leaned against the wall next to some trash. He slid down, contemplating his life. The life that had been thrown off the rails by none other than Grace Blackthorn. She was too beautiful for him, too perfect. He was a mistake, a disease of a shadowhunter. He was poisonous. Of course he could never be with a girl like Grace. So how did he handle his heartbreak? Recklessly, of course. 

“James?” A voice broke through the silence, startling James at first. “James, where are you you ridiculous bastard!”

James realized that it was his parabatai and closed his eyes in frustration, leaning his head back against the dirty brick. 

“There you are,” James cracked his eyes open and stared at Matthew. He was completely dressed in shadowhunter gear, looking perfectly put together. As usual.

Matthew sighed, looking at James. His gold eyes were burning through the dark, making him look like a warlock. His jeans were ripped, jacket torn down the sides. His hair flopped over his forehead, and his exposed throat was covered with cuts. He looked tragically beautiful, like a fallen angel. Matthew kneeled on the ground next to his best friend.

“Hey Jamie,” He said easily, his voice level. He noticed the gun dangling from James’s hand with a slight panic. It scared him how easily James held the thing. A deep hatred for Grace Blackthorn was burning in his belly, but he pushed it down and tried to be sympathetic for his crushed friend. Matthew had been woken in the middle of the night with a sting coming from his parabatai rune, and had tracked James with one of his books. “Are you alright?”

“It hurts so bad,” James said croakily, and reached for his bottle of whiskey. He got it halfway to his mouth before Matthew swiped the entire thing and chucked it across the alley. It hit the opposing wall with a crash and the bottle exploded, shards of glass scattering across the stones. “Hey! That’s a… safety hazard,” James was slurring his words and Matthew just sighed and began to pick pieces of glass from James’s hair. 

“What happened?” Matthew asked. James scowled at his hands.

“Grace happened, so I shot a chandelier,” James grinned, waving the gun around. “I’m a great shot you know that? I could show you,” James raised the gun, but Matthew quickly forced it down and took it from James.

“Woah, woah, woah. You’re way too drunk for that,” Matthew put the gun on a back strap of his belt, out of James’s reach. The last thing he needed was for him to shoot someone.

“Nuh-uh!” James protested loudly. “I could drink you under the table, biatch!” Matthew laughed.

“Let’s go home, Jamie,” Matthew got to his feet and pulled James off the ground, putting his arm around his shoulders to help stabilize him. It was difficult, considering James was larger than he was. 

When they finally got back to the institute, Matthew took James up to his room. James instantly went over to his bed and passed out. Matthew pulled James’s boots off and set them next to the bed. He quietly approached James’s sleeping form, and brushed some hair off his forehead.

“Dammit,” Matthew swore under his breath. Why, why, why did he have to fall for his best friend? His parabatai, who was helplessly in love with someone else? Why did James seem so insistent on hurting himself? He didn’t deserve what happened to him. He deserved to be happy, to be with someone who loved him. Matthew silently went over to the door, taking one last look at James before closing the door behind him.

  
  


James woke up with bright sunshine in his eyes, and instantly winced. He rolled over and shoved his face into his pillow. Once he was now longer being blinded, he thought about the last night. He remembered Grace, the whiskey, glass, and Matthew. Of course Matthew would go after him. Of course he would.

James picked himself up from the bed and went into the bathroom to clean himself up. He took a quick bath and got dressed. His head pounded with a hangover. He went into the hallway, intending to go to the kitchen. Instead, his feet carried him to the door of Matthew’s room. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door. Inside, Matthew was fast asleep on his bed. He was still dressed in his gear, save for his boots, jacket, and belt. He looked happy and peaceful, and James’s heart stuttered. He couldn’t seem to tear his eyes off of Matthew’s muscled arms. He quickly left the room, holding his head. No, not Matthew. Matthew was his friend, his brother. Sure he was beautiful, smart and funny, with a captivating smile and he loved James, but that didn’t mean anything. Parabatai weren’t allowed to be with each other like that, so it wasn’t even an option.

“Stop,” James scolded himself, determinedly walking to the kitchen for breakfast. He grabbed a bagel from the kitchen and sat down next to Lucie in the dining room. 

“Rough night?” Lucie asked and James jumped slightly.

“How did you know?”

“You still smell like whiskey,” Lucie laughed. James swore.

“Do mother and father know anything?” James asked, slightly panicked.

“Well…” Lucie trailed off.

“What?” James demanded.

“Magnus Bane may or may not have stopped by the institute last night to tell father about what happened,” Lucie said.

“By the angel,” James ran his hand over his face with a sigh.

“A pistol, huh? Antagonizing downworlders? What’s up with you, James?” Lucie asked in a more serious tone.

“I got my heart broken,” James admitted.

“You’ve got to pull yourself together, if not for your family, then for your parabatai,” Lucie put her hand on James’s arm.

“Matthew?” James said, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Yes, Matthew. Do you not see how your actions are killing him?” Lucie exclaimed. “He ran out of here as soon as we got the news. He was afraid you were going to be mauled by a demon.”

“Oh,” James didn’t really have anything to say, just letting the guilt settle in.

“We tried to stop him but he bolted. He really loves you James. Don’t screw this up.”

“Thanks, Lucie.”

Just then, Matthew entered the room, a piece of toast on his plate. He sat down across from James. James noticed the dark circles under his eyes and wanted to cry.

“Listen, Matthew. I’m really sorry-”

“James Herondale! How could you?” James father burst into the room, shouting. James winced, his father barely ever raised his voice. “What were you thinking, going out by yourself at night?” His mother appeared next to his father, holding his arm.

“Will…” She started, looking at James with pitiful eyes.

“No, he should understand how his actions affect everyone. We are home, worried sick, meanwhile you’re out, getting yourself drunk and into trouble!”

James tried to control himself and be a good son, but everything just boiled over. He stood up, his chair flying out from behind him.

“I’m sorry, okay? But I couldn’t stop myself, I had to take the pain away! You don’t understand,” James’s voice cracked and tears threatened to spill. He had never been more miserable. 

“You think I don’t understand heartbreak?” Will asked, blue eyes burning with intensity. James stalked out of the room, trying to hide his face. He hated for others to see him cry. His mother tried to grab his wrist on his way out, but he tugged it out of her grasp. He ran to the front doors, flinging them open and tearing away from the institute.

“I’ll go after him,” Matthew said grimly, grabbing a stele and seraph blade from the entrance table.

Matthew caught sight of James running towards the Blackfriars bridge. He raced after him. A shadowhunter, especially a Herondale, was lucky to leave the institute without having an encounter with a demon. 

James paused to catch his breath, leaning on the side of the bridge. He stared down at the dark, churning water below him and closed his eyes. It would be so easy to just push himself over the edge, let the freezing water carry him away…

“James!” Matthew cried out. James turned his head toward the voice, and was suddenly blinded by pain. Matthew watched in horror as the demon tore a gash deep into James’s side with its wicked claws. James collapsed, and Matthew screamed in agony. He raced forward and in a red haze, slashed at the demon with his blade until it was nothing more than yellow dust. Matthew threw his weapon to the side, and dropped to his knees beside James. James had his hand tightly clamped over the gash in his side. Blood was spilling everywhere, coating James’s hand and creating a large stain in his shirt.

“It’s going to be okay, alright Jamie? I’m here,” Matthew spoke to the white-faced James, unsure if he could even hear him. He tore James’s shirt open and pried James’s hand away. He quickly got his stele out and concentrated. His emotions poured out into the iratze, all the love he had for James reflected in the mark glowing on his parabatai’s hip. James grew still, and tears fell from Matthew’s eyes. He searched for James’s pulse in his wrist and when he found it growing steadier by the second, he gave a breath of relief. James’s hand found Matthew’s own, and Matthew looked down at his parabatai. James’s eyes were open, and tears were spilling out of them.

“I’m so sorry,” James said hoarsely. “God, I’m so, so sorry.”

“Shh,” Matthew smiled and gently cupped James’s cheek with his free hand. “It’s alright.”

“No, no it’s not,” James’s voice was growing stronger. “I love you so much and all I do is hurt you-”

Matthew cut off James by leaning down and kissing his forehead gently. James’s eyes widened. He stared up into the eyes of his parabatai, the only things steady in the whole whirlwind of his life. 

“I love you,” James said, in the faintest whisper. It was more of a realization than a statement, and Matthew chuckled.

“I love you too-”

James suddenly couldn’t control himself and grabbed Matthew’s face, pulling him down and kissing him. After a moment, James seemed to realize what he had done and released Matthew. 

“I’m sorry,” James instantly apologized. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Matthew leaned down and gently kissed James again.

“You weren’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> lol I didn't cry writing this what are you talking about


End file.
